Re-evaluating my life in the face of trauma (how’s that for a title that could fit into a self-help book’s chapter index)

Hi lovely people who occasionally glance at my blog (usually when I tell them to.)

I have recently gone through a very traumatic experience that I don’t want to share with the world. if you feel like you’re close enough to me to ask what happened, ask away, but use your judgment on that one.

I feel like my life was beginning to normalize from the past couple years (read this post if you want to know why my life has sucked) and finally I was getting my sh*t together. Then this happened. It feels unfair, crappy, and demoralizing.

This experience is causing me to re-evaluate my life, my values, my morals, my decisions, and my behaviour.

So this post is about how I am choosing to deal with my aforementioned traumatic experience.

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My unenthusiastic life re-evaluation thumbs up.

Firstly, I am following my own advice in the above linked post. Right now I’m still in the self-indulgent, wallowing faze. I bought a fancy face mask and I’m going to veg out and watch Lord of the Rings with weird stuff slathered on my face. I’ve also removed myself to my dad’s house for a little while so I can be around my lovely little brothers who always brighten my day, my super-supportive dad, and my thoughtful step-mom.

Secondly, I am reaching out for the support of my closest friends and my boyfriend. I have an unfortunate habit of keeping everything in and ignoring my feelings that usually leads to random breakdowns months after the fact. I’m trying to avoid this right now and talk about it. Maybe I’ll write stuff in my new Hobbit moleskin (yeah, I bought one, it’s exciting.)

Thirdly (this is starting to sound like every essay I wrote in grade 9 before I figured out more interesting transitions than “firstly” etc.), I am thinking really deeply about the people I spend time with. I’m referring to my acquaintances and not super-close friends. I don’t always keep the best company. I have some really great friends but a lot of the people I associate with aren’t really on the same level of human-quality as I am. I want to surround myself with better, more supportive, and more genuine people. This experience has opened my eyes to my misplaced trust in certain acquaintances and groups of people. So I’m kind of purging my social life a teensy-tiny bit. Fun right?

Lastly, I’m really going to focus on myself and my own healing. When my mom died, I focused more on staying emotionally neutral and being strong for everyone else. At her visitation I worked the floor like I was at a conference, greeting people, introducing people, comforting people. I really worked hard to be strong. I settled all the financial arrangements, planned out her funeral with my dad, made a slideshow for her funeral which involved looking through tons of pictures of her. I really did too much and tried to take on too much so that I didn’t have to think about the sadness I was dealing with. This time will be different. I am determined to just do what’s best for me. Especially if it means watching all of the Lord of the Rings movies on repeat for the next couple days and drinking copious amounts of green tea.

So that’s how I’m dealing with this shiznit. Wish me luck internet peoples.

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All these emotions… Go away

Staying true to every other blog I have ever attempted to write, I have neglected this one for a few months. 

I am back. 

The topic of today’s post?

Grief. And feelings. Ugh, feelings. 

If you’ve read my post on the poetry thing I went to in June (hint: go read it) you will have garnered that I am not entirely psyched about the ability to “feel” things.  Unfortunately events this past year (hint: read the post on bad days) have caused me to feel a lot of things. I thought, perhaps, that I was done feeling! I had made it through hell and high water and now I am back in a fairly content state of being impervious to sadness. 

Well was I ever wrong. 

It turns out that I spent so much time in the past suppressing my feelings, I did it subconsciously this time around. My feelings of grief and sadness around losing my mother kindly hid themselves away so I could deal with horrible break-ups and emotional breakdowns. 

Now that I am in a healthy relationship, and things have settled down in every other area of my life, the loss of my mother is hitting me harder than ever. 

On her birthday a couple days ago I was a sobbing mess. Watching Miss Marple discover who killed a woman near Rutherford hall (“They do it with mirrors”) I became an emotional wreck recollecting when my mother and I enjoyed curling up in the basement to watch Miss Marple or Poirot. 

I  feel like I am treading on a thin layer of ice under which lies all of my unused tears.

I am trying something new. 

I have resolved to write more often, on this blog and in more personal venues (yes, I am trying to journal). I am attempting to exercise regularly – I am going to go on a run today! I am spending more time reading comforting books (Harry Potter) and I am even going to start reading a book on grief called Motherless Daughters. I am even going to try and seek counselling.

I feel as though I am going on an adventure into non-feeling suppressing territory and it’s scary. 

Perhaps I will be able to come through this a stronger person who is more in touch with her less desirable feelings. 

 

Wish me luck.