Suddenly, I understand Drake’s appeal.

I’ve been a pretty committed Drake hater. I would hear his radio hits and they just don’t do it for me.

I’m more of a fan of the gangster/trap style of rapping. Drake was just kind of annoying. One of my best friends is a huge Drake fan. We were in his car the other day and he kept giving me breakdowns of each Drake song to play and how it correlated with his life. He forced me to repeatedly listen to the first few seconds of Marvin’s room. Suddenly, the lyrics hit me. I’m like wow I like this.

Though I didn’t find Marvin’s room particularly relatable, it made me quite willing to listen to something else. I took to Grooveshark (which is probably one of the best things invented, js) and looked up some more of Drake’s slower R&B type jams (ew I just said jams).

Then Doing it Wrong came into my life.

Suddenly, Drake verbalized my feelings. Firstly, I felt less like a psychopath for the relationships I’ve previously ended, because like… Drake understands me bro. No, but seriously. Like can we please examine some of these lyrics.

“So cry if you need to, but I can’t stay to watch you
That’s the wrong thing to do
Touch if you need to, but I can’t stay to hold you
That’s the wrong thing to do
Talk if you need to, but I can’t stay to hear you
That’s the wrong thing to do
Cause you’ll say you love me, and I’ll end up lying
And say I love you too”

i’m pretty sure that hook encapsulates every relationship I’ve ever ended and how I felt about it.

Realizing that staying around is the wrong thing to do because it will just make matters worse. And the best lyric of life “you’ll say you love me and I’ll end up lying and say I love you too.”

I don’t know, do other people 100% relate to this song? Sometimes you realize that things just aren’t going well, but you know if you stay around you’ll be faking it and that’s not fair to the other person.

I’m currently in awe of how well Drake understand my difficulties with relationships.

So I’ve been listening to a bit more Drake lately. I even like Nothing Was The Same as an album in general. A+ Drake.

Also, the fact that I relate to this song is the very reason that NO ONE SHOULD DATE ME EVER. Because I suck at the whole relationship/feelings/not hurting people thing.

Image

this will forever be my favourite Drake picture.

Maybe in a couple years I’ll suck less and Drake will no longer hold this amount of relevance to my life. But for now, Doing it Wrong is my theme song. Interpret that as needed.

All these emotions… Go away

Staying true to every other blog I have ever attempted to write, I have neglected this one for a few months. 

I am back. 

The topic of today’s post?

Grief. And feelings. Ugh, feelings. 

If you’ve read my post on the poetry thing I went to in June (hint: go read it) you will have garnered that I am not entirely psyched about the ability to “feel” things.  Unfortunately events this past year (hint: read the post on bad days) have caused me to feel a lot of things. I thought, perhaps, that I was done feeling! I had made it through hell and high water and now I am back in a fairly content state of being impervious to sadness. 

Well was I ever wrong. 

It turns out that I spent so much time in the past suppressing my feelings, I did it subconsciously this time around. My feelings of grief and sadness around losing my mother kindly hid themselves away so I could deal with horrible break-ups and emotional breakdowns. 

Now that I am in a healthy relationship, and things have settled down in every other area of my life, the loss of my mother is hitting me harder than ever. 

On her birthday a couple days ago I was a sobbing mess. Watching Miss Marple discover who killed a woman near Rutherford hall (“They do it with mirrors”) I became an emotional wreck recollecting when my mother and I enjoyed curling up in the basement to watch Miss Marple or Poirot. 

I  feel like I am treading on a thin layer of ice under which lies all of my unused tears.

I am trying something new. 

I have resolved to write more often, on this blog and in more personal venues (yes, I am trying to journal). I am attempting to exercise regularly – I am going to go on a run today! I am spending more time reading comforting books (Harry Potter) and I am even going to start reading a book on grief called Motherless Daughters. I am even going to try and seek counselling.

I feel as though I am going on an adventure into non-feeling suppressing territory and it’s scary. 

Perhaps I will be able to come through this a stronger person who is more in touch with her less desirable feelings. 

 

Wish me luck.