Staying true to every other blog I have ever attempted to write, I have neglected this one for a few months.
I am back.
The topic of today’s post?
Grief. And feelings. Ugh, feelings.
If you’ve read my post on the poetry thing I went to in June (hint: go read it) you will have garnered that I am not entirely psyched about the ability to “feel” things. Unfortunately events this past year (hint: read the post on bad days) have caused me to feel a lot of things. I thought, perhaps, that I was done feeling! I had made it through hell and high water and now I am back in a fairly content state of being impervious to sadness.
Well was I ever wrong.
It turns out that I spent so much time in the past suppressing my feelings, I did it subconsciously this time around. My feelings of grief and sadness around losing my mother kindly hid themselves away so I could deal with horrible break-ups and emotional breakdowns.
Now that I am in a healthy relationship, and things have settled down in every other area of my life, the loss of my mother is hitting me harder than ever.
On her birthday a couple days ago I was a sobbing mess. Watching Miss Marple discover who killed a woman near Rutherford hall (“They do it with mirrors”) I became an emotional wreck recollecting when my mother and I enjoyed curling up in the basement to watch Miss Marple or Poirot.
I feel like I am treading on a thin layer of ice under which lies all of my unused tears.
I am trying something new.
I have resolved to write more often, on this blog and in more personal venues (yes, I am trying to journal). I am attempting to exercise regularly – I am going to go on a run today! I am spending more time reading comforting books (Harry Potter) and I am even going to start reading a book on grief called Motherless Daughters. I am even going to try and seek counselling.
I feel as though I am going on an adventure into non-feeling suppressing territory and it’s scary.
Perhaps I will be able to come through this a stronger person who is more in touch with her less desirable feelings.
Wish me luck.